Mum Cuts to the Chase

A verbatim with Mum about me going on a trip

I think I win

We were talking about how Mum needed a new kettle, then this: 

Mum:    And by the way if anyone dies you’re not to come back early.

Me:        Sorry?

Mum:    When you’re away for those three weeks if anyone dies you’re not to come back early?

Me:        Don’t you think I should make that call?

Mum:    No.  Anyway I just won’t tell you and then you won’t know.

Me:        What if it’s you?

Mum:    What do you mean me?

Me:        If it’s you who’s dead.

Mum:    Well it won’t be me.

Me:        If it is – am I allowed to be told?

Mum:    Well who’d tell you?

Me:        Dad I hope.

Mum:    No you’re not going to know.  Unless it’s towards the end of your trip and maybe we can hold the funeral off.

Me:        Delightful.

Mum:    Anyway if it’s me who’s dead I’ll hardly care if you don’t know.

Me:        Why are we having this conversation?

Mum:    You’re going away for three weeks.

Me:        Yes and you’re telling me about something you’re not going to tell me about when I’m away.

Mum:    Well you’ll know when you’re back.

Me:        Yes, when I’m waiting at the airport wondering why my lift home hasn’t shown up.

Mum:    That would be funny.

Me:        Oh ha- ha.  Anyway we had this deal when Nan was alive and if I remember the deal was I would get told but wouldn’t need to come home.  What was wrong with that deal?

Mum:    Oh I just don’t see the point in telling you.

Me:        You don’t see the point in telling me if someone in the family dies.

Mum:    Well if it happens tomorrow I’ll tell you.

Me:        But not if I’m away?

Mum:    That’s right.

Me:        Let’s hope you both don’t get wiped out by a bird flu or zombie apocalypse.

Mum:    What difference would that make?

Me:        Who do you think is going to have to make the arrangements?

Mum:    Didn’t think about that.  Yes, your brother would be hopeless.  If it’s both of us one of us will tell you then.

Me:        Good luck with that.