Mum Cuts to the Chase
A verbatim with Mum about me going on a trip
I think I win
We were talking about how Mum needed a new kettle, then this:
Mum: And by the way if anyone dies you’re not to come back early.
Mum: When you’re away for those three weeks if anyone dies you’re not to come back early?
Me: Don’t you think I should make that call?
Mum: No. Anyway I just won’t tell you and then you won’t know.
Me: What if it’s you?
Mum: What do you mean me?
Me: If it’s you who’s dead.
Mum: Well it won’t be me.
Me: If it is – am I allowed to be told?
Mum: Well who’d tell you?
Me: Dad I hope.
Mum: No you’re not going to know. Unless it’s towards the end of your trip and maybe we can hold the funeral off.
Mum: Anyway if it’s me who’s dead I’ll hardly care if you don’t know.
Me: Why are we having this conversation?
Mum: You’re going away for three weeks.
Me: Yes and you’re telling me about something you’re not going to tell me about when I’m away.
Mum: Well you’ll know when you’re back.
Me: Yes, when I’m waiting at the airport wondering why my lift home hasn’t shown up.
Mum: That would be funny.
Me: Oh ha- ha. Anyway we had this deal when Nan was alive and if I remember the deal was I would get told but wouldn’t need to come home. What was wrong with that deal?
Mum: Oh I just don’t see the point in telling you.
Me: You don’t see the point in telling me if someone in the family dies.
Mum: Well if it happens tomorrow I’ll tell you.
Me: But not if I’m away?
Mum: That’s right.
Me: Let’s hope you both don’t get wiped out by a bird flu or zombie apocalypse.
Mum: What difference would that make?
Me: Who do you think is going to have to make the arrangements?
Mum: Didn’t think about that. Yes, your brother would be hopeless. If it’s both of us one of us will tell you then.
Me: Good luck with that.