Ainslie Paton romance author

A Conversation with Mum about her Kindle – and Conspiracy Theories

I’ve been avoiding this one.  I am a bad daughter.

Mum:    I don’t like this new Kindle.

Me:        (With great trepidation and a lot of avoidance) Oh (said very vaguely)

Mum:    Are you listening to me?

Me:        Unfortunately.

Mum:    It’s not as good as the old one.

Me:        Why not?

Mum:    Well.  The main problem is this cloud thing.

Me:        I thought so.

Mum:     Also there’s the thumb thing, but you can’t do anything about that.

Me:        Good.  I think.

Mum:     Every book I’ve ever bought from Amazon is on there.

Me:        Yes, that’s the point.

Mum:    Well, it’s not very helpful.

Me:        It would be less helpful if you didn’t have all your books.

Mum:    But I can’t remember if I’ve read them or not.

Me:        But that’s the same as when your books were on a shelf.  You had to pick them up and flick to a page to remember.

Mum:    No it’s not.

Me:        Yes it is, you used to complain you sometimes bought the same book twice.

Mum:    Well, yes I did do that.

Me:        So what’s the problem?

Mum:    Amazon doesn’t tell me if I’ve read a book in the cloud.

Me:        Amazon doesn’t know if you’ve read it—they only know you bought it.

Mum:    That’s not true.

Me:        Yes it is.

Mum:    Oh no it’s not.  Amazon knows everything I do.

Me:        No they don’t.  They wish they did, but once a book is on your Kindle they don’t know if you’ve read it or made soup with it.

Mum:    I’ve never made soup in my life.

Me:        I know.

Mum:    So you’re telling me Amazon doesn’t know what page I’m up to in the Patterson book?

Me:        (I don’t get an answer out quick enough)

Mum:    You’re wrong.  They know. That’s why I’m mad.

Me:        If the Patterson book is on your device then the device knows where you’re up to, but if it’s in the cloud then no.

Mum:    Well, what kind of stupidity is that then?  That’s just bloody minded.  I might write to them about that.

Me:        Um.  Please don’t write to them.

Mum:    And another thing.  I can’t delete anything off this stupid thing.

Me:        What do you want to delete?

Mum:    When I’ve read something I might as well delete it.

Me:        Yes, okay.  I’ll show you how.

Mum:    I know how, but it doesn’t work.

Me:        What do you mean?

Mum:    Watch.  (She deletes some title with the word Moon in it).

Me:        That’s right.

Mum:    It’s not.  Look.  (She shows me the title in the Cloud).  It’s still here.

Me:        (Sigh.)  Yes, because it’s in the cloud.

Mum:    This is just stupid.

Me:        Think about it like this.  You have books you’re going to read on your bedside table.

Mum:    In the old days, yes.

Me:        Yes, in the old days, you big geek.  And you have books on a shelf that you’ve already read.

Mum:    I might have books on the shelf I haven’t read.

Me:        You might, but just go with me here.  When you’ve finished a book from the bedside table you put it on the shelf.  That’s like deleting it from the device and but it staying in the cloud.

Mum:    No it’s not.

Me:        Yes it is

Mum:    Then I should be able to take the whole lot to St Vinnies.

Me:        Well you can’t do that.

Mum:    If I had books on a shelf I’d know if I’d read them.

Me:        Most of the time, right.  So you should know if you’ve read books in the cloud.

Mum:    But I don’t.

Me:        Well whose fault is that?

Mum:    Amazon’s.  And another thing.

Me:        Fancy that

Mum:    I have to charge it up all the time.

Me:        Battery life should be longer than your old one.

Mum:    It’s not.

Me:        Is your wireless on?

Mum:    No.

Me:        I need to see it, because you don’t understand the wireless.

Mum:    Yes I do now, you explained it.

Me:        (Picks up Kindle)  Your wireless is on.

Mum:    No it’s not.

Me:        Yes it is.  See here it says 3G and shows the bars—it’s on.

Mum:    But airplane mode is off.

Me:        Yes, so wireless is on.

Mum:    That makes no sense.  Can’t they tell I’m not in an airplane anyway?

Me:        No Mum they can’t and that would be terrible if they could.

Mum:    I bet they can tell.

Me:        They shot Kennedy too.

Mum:    (Looks at me in horror) You’re not one of those silly conspiracy people are you?

Me:        No, but you are.

Mum:    I am not.

Me:        Amazon cannot tell if you are in an airplane or not.

Mum:    I bet they get confused about you.

Me:        Why would they get confused about me?

Mum:    You live near the airport, that must confuse them.

Me:        (Jaw flap)

Mum:    Why do they call it airplane mode then?

Me:        Just to annoy you.

Mum:    Well they’ve got that right.

Me:        So we need to turn your wireless off, which on this Kindle is turning airplane mode on.

Mum:    That is ridiculous.

Me:        It’s the way this one works.  You need the little symbol of the plane to show.

Mum:    But that would mean airplane mode is on

Me:        Yes that’s what you want.

Mum:    But the button says off.

Me:        (She’s right the slider is confusing—if you’re Mum)

airplane mode

Mum:    Okay I’ve got it.  When the button says off it’s on and when it says on it’s off

Me:        (I think about this)

Mum:    It’s backwards.  I just have to remember it’s backwards.

Me:        Ah.

Mum:    You know what. for a company that knows I don’t cook soup, Amazon are pretty dumb.

7 Responses to “A Conversation with Mum about her Kindle – and Conspiracy Theories

  • *snort* roflmao

  • Your mom’s a hoot!

  • Shelley
    4 years ago

    Dying!

    I visited my mom last month and we ended up arguing about Plants vs. Zombies 2, of all things. Guess who won?

    • Ainslie
      4 years ago

      OMG. I need to know more, because though I’m assuming she won – I need to know – with what?

      • Shelley
        4 years ago

        Well, not to bore you to death, but she insisted that in order to advance to the next level, she HAD to buy a ‘key’. I don’t know how familiar you are with so many of these games that have come out lately, but many of them will let you ‘buy’ your way into the next level (I hate you, Candy Crush).

        So I tell her, no, she didn’t have to do that and that if she had just been patient enough and played through she would have gotten the key. No, she says, she HAD to buy the key. No, I said, you didn’t…and on and on and on.

        God almighty, you can argue with that woman!!! She will slowly wear you down until you’re a gibbering idiot. I. Kid. You. Not. And I’m pretty sure you understand exactly what I mean. ;o)

        • Ainslie
          4 years ago

          I got the heebie jeebies reading this just thinking how much more complicated my life would be if my mother placed tech games as well as mind games. I send you a thousand sympathies.

          • Shelley
            4 years ago

            I will never, in a thousand years, tell her about Candy Crush. I swear!

Hello, what are you thinking?

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