Ainslie Paton romance author

A Fake Conversation with Mum About Having Written A Book

I haven’t told my Mum I write romance fiction.

I know that sounds bad, as if I’m ashamed.  I’m not.

I offer in my defense all of my previously recorded verbatim conversations with Mum and let you decide if it’s better for my health to keep – er – mum, or put on the big girl pants and fess up.

I will tell you now, if you decide on the later, you are not my friend anymore.  Just so we’re straight.

This concocted conversation was bullied out of me by fellow romance authors who have happily informed parents: Elise K Ackers, Jacquie Underdown and Rachel Johns.

Elise writes small town and other lovely things, Jacquie writes mystical, magical stories and Rachel is an original ru-ro queen.

They all suck.

Please address any complaints to them.

I think it would go much like this:  She would so win.

Me:        So, I’ve written a book.

Mum:    What do you mean written?

Me:        You know, one word after another, a page of words, followed by more pages of words, that kind of a book.

Mum:    A book book.

Me:        Yes.

Mum:    What for?

Me:        Well I wanted to see if I could.

Mum:    Why would you want to do that?

Me:        Good question.  I’ve always wanted to.

Mum:    No, you haven’t.

Me:        Yes, I have.

Mum:    Well you left it a bit late to try didn’t you?

Me:        Mum.

Mum:    What’s it about?  Would I like it?

Me:        You wouldn’t like it.

Mum:    It’s not a stupid vampire thing is it?

Me:        No.

Mum:    Is it a book with proper pages or a Kindle book?

Me:        It’s a Kindle book.

Mum:    Anyone can make one of those.  John Cousins is doing one about his parents.  Can’t imagine how boring that will be.  I’ll probably have to buy it.  You didn’t write about us did you?

Me:        No.  Not at all.

Mum:    So it’s not a real book.  It’s like the book that Margie did on the family.

Me:       No it’s not like that.  That was photocopied.

Mum:    It was very good photocopying.  How much did it cost you?

Me:        It didn’t cost me anything except time.

Mum:    John is paying a lot of money for his, like thousands.  How did you do it for free?  You should tell him.

Me:        I don’t even know who John is.

Mum:    You do, but it doesn’t matter.

Me:        Maybe one day I’ll write a print book.

Mum:    You’re still doing it?

Me:        It’s not illegal.

Mum:    Don’t be silly.  When did you do this thing?

Me:        It’s not a thing.  I wrote a book.  I wrote a few.

Mum:    A few, what do you mean a few?

Me:        More than two.

Mum:    What for?

Me:        I’m wondering that myself.

Mum:    Would I like any of them?

Me:        No.

Mum:    Why didn’t you write a book I would like?

Me:        I don’t think that’s possible.

Mum:    Is it more of a textbook?

Me:        No, it’s fiction.

Mum:    That’s what I read.

Me:        I know.

Mum:    You don’t know anything about murders and investigations.

Me:       I don’t write about crime.

Mum:    But that’s what I read.

Me:       I didn’t write the books just for you.

Mum:    That was silly.  At least you’d know one person would’ve read them.


28 Responses to “A Fake Conversation with Mum About Having Written A Book

  • LOL oh dear that’s funny but I could imagine that’s exactly how it would turn out. I’m another one who’s told my mum that I write books. She’s read them all. Including my latest which is rather racy! She even left a review and told all of Amazon Australia that she’s my mum. LOL

    I so want to be a fly on the wall when you do tell her. 😉

  • It’s too late now. been going on too long. Like when my next door neighbour stole my school hat and started wearing it when she was gardening. By the time I’d thought of a way to ask her for it back, the time had passed.

  • OMG snort!!! You HAVE to put your mum in a book. This may be my favourite blog post ever!!!

    • You’re easy to please! Oh elements of her creep in, but if I put the whole of her in, it would be stranger than fiction.

  • Bahahaha! OMG that would so be my mother and I. My mother thinks I’m writing some family history. Lol. Don’t have the heart to tell her it’s romance and YES there are Vampires involved.

    Thank you for the realistic giggle. I feel your pain.


    • Oh fantastic – someone as unbrave as me. The Not Telling Your Ma girls unite!

  • Love it Ainslie. Still want to see the convo with your mum about golf.

  • This made me laugh out loud, until I thought about it and found it kinda sad… I totally understand, I will never tell my mom about my blogs, if I write a book, or anything I do in that respect. I also have to change my name…
    But yes, you could definitely base a character on your mom! Your conversations are so funny. I especially like the one about your dad answering your question after a long rant from your mom!

    • So many times I’ve gone to tell my family and there’s been some drama that meant no one was listening – now it’s almost too late to tell them without them hating me!

  • This is too funny Ainslie! Our mums are SO similar. I didn’t want my mum to know I wrote a book but she stumbled across my Facebook page because I had a picture of myself on it. Had she tried looking for me she never would have found me. It was a fluke! And so of course she wanted to read my book. She couldn’t finish it and asked me to write a mystery because she likes those.

    • I would die! What did you say? Was she angry? When is the cosy mystery coming?

      • LOL! She called me and asked me to tell her about Robyn Rychards. She bought it, started reading it and then decided it was soft porn and couldn’t finish it. (My book is as mild as a Harlequin Romance/Sweet) When she asked me why I didn’t write a mystery I told her, ‘I can’t even figure them out when I read them, how am I supposed to write one?’ I told her not to tell anyone because there are a lot of people she knows that would also be offended. She told her best friend who is a book-aholic and now she wants to read it. I said ‘NO!’ OMG! She is asking me all the time how much money I’ve made and she thinks Escape is a scam.

  • Yep, I sense a lose lose for you. Stay the course, Ainslie. Mum’s the word.
    (I had to say it…sorry)

    I told my mom. At first she tried the encouraging discouragement tactic but eventually she got behind things. Then I had to drop the bomb that a character, inspired by my grandmother (her mom) might…ya know…happen to have two husbands.

    “Oh how fun!”

    Rock on with your bad self, mom.

    • And you mean two husbands simultaneously – or did Mom think sequentially? You might be in more trouble than you think

  • Bwohahaha! Best one. Even if it hasn’t happened … yet …

  • Funniest thing I’ve read in ages! Bit like conversations with my husband, really.

  • Somehow, I’m pretty sure that conversation would pretty much be verbatim.

  • Your mum would make an awesome character! Truth is definitely stranger than fiction – and so much more interesting.

    Great post Ainslie – one of the best I’ve read.

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