Mum Coughs It Up
An actual conversation with my Mum about bronchitis
Phone rings. I answer.
Me: (Burst of coughing). Sorry, Ainslie speaking.
Mum: You’re still sick.
Me: I’m not sick. I just have a cough
Me: (Stifles throat clear) Yes.
Mum: Well, what are you doing about it?
Me: Trying not to breathe too hard.
Me: Breathing and arguing and being annoyed makes it worse. (Cough for emphasis)
Mum: Of course you haven’t been to the doctor.
Me: It’s bronchitis. There’s nothing you can do other than what I am doing.
Mum: Which is nothing.
Me: You saw the cough medicine, the puffer, the magnesium and the Nurofen on the kitchen bench.
Mum: Yes, that’s probably where they stay. You’re probably not taking them.
Me: (Burst of annoyed coughing) True, I bought them for show.
Mum: I wouldn’t put it past you.
Me: (Unchecked coughing).
Mum: That sounds really bad.
Me: It was absolutely ok till you called.
Mum: So this is my fault?
Me: Yes. It’s your fault I have bronchitis.
Mum: I wish you’d do something.
Me: Like what?
Mum: Get it fixed.
Me: I’m doing my best here.
Mum: No, you’re not. That’s why I called.
Me: To annoy me.
Mum: Yes. If I annoy you enough you might do something.
Me: (Throat clear) Like?
Mum: Stop coughing.
Me: Yes, that’ll work. (Throat clear). How about you call me same time tomorrow and check on my progress?
Mum: Don’t be smart.
Me: Well, what on earth do you want me to do?
Mum: Stop coughing. (Sneezes).
Me: Did you just sneeze?
Mum: Oh. Yes I did. (Sneezes again).
Me: Have you been to the doctor?
Mum: It’s just a sneeze. Why would I go to the doctor?
Me: You’ve probably got sneezing medicine in the cupboard and you won’t take it. It’ll just be there for show.
Mum: (Laughing). You’re a pain in the neck you know. That’s probably why you’re coughing.
Me: And everything is right again with the world. (Coughing).