Mum and the Daughterhood of the Travelling Pants

Mum:    Phones from on a holiday trip.  I don’t have any pants.

Me:        You made it safely then.

Mum:    But with no pants.

Me:        What do you mean no pants?

Mum:    You should know.

Me:        You got me.  Are you not wearing pants?

Mum:    These pants, yes, but they’re hot.

Me:        Hotpants!

Mum:    Be serious.

Me:        Did you forget to pack underwear?

Mum:    No, pants pants.  Outer on  your legs pants. The other pants I packed are missing.

Me:        Missing?

Mum:    From the suitcase.

Me:        So you didn’t pack them.

Mum:    I did.  Someone who was looking at my new suitcase must’ve unpacked them.

Me:        Who? Pants stealing fairies?

Mum:    Stop it.  You know who.

Me:        Oh, hang on.  You think I took your pants out of your case.  There was nothing in your case when I looked at it.

Mum:    You did take them out.

Me:        Why would I unpack your pants?

Mum:    You’d think it was funny.  It’s not funny to have no pants.

Me:        I’m sure they sell pants where you are.  You’re only away for a week. You could make do.

Mum:    Not in the hot pants.  And that’s not the point. They were new pants.  And you should’ve left them where you found them.

Me:        I never saw your pants, so I left them exactly wherever you put them.

Mum:    I knew it.

Me:        No, that’s not what I meant.

Mum:    You’re going to just wriggle out of this.

Me:        No wriggling. Pants stalemate.  Who else looked at your new suitcase?

Mum:    Only you. Must’ve been the pants fairies then.

Me:        Well, pants.

Anyway. I have to pick up mail and water the plants at Mum’s so I look for the pants.  No pants obviously left out of a suitcase.  She doesn’t call me again because she’s annoyed about the pants.

When they get home, she searches for the pants.  I am still to blame because of the lack of evidence of pants fairies.  The pants are not obviously anywhere.

There is no punchline for this story except that she talked me into dumpster diving in the garbage in case she threw the pants out in the store bag.

There were no pants in the garbage.  There was however bin juice.  Yuck.

Pants fairies are real.