Mum Missive: A Mother’s Love & Cat Grass

Phone rings.  I’m up to my ears in interesting times.  See here.

Mum:    It’s only me.  Where were you?  We came around.  She’s annoyed.

Me:        Meeting in the city.  Is everything all right?

Mum:    Yes, yes.  I bought you a present, was going to give it to you but you weren’t there.  She’s totally put out.

Me:        What kind of present?  I’m thinking Christmas has come early.

Mum:    Cat grass.

Me:        Cat.  She hates my cats.

Mum:    Grass

Me:        Cat grass.

Mum:    Yes.

Me:        You bought me cat grass.

Mum:    Yes.

Me:        Do you mean catnip?

Mum:    No, it says grass.

Me:        Well, that’s nice.  No, actually it’s not.  You bought me cat grass?

Mum:    Yes.

Me:        It actually says cat not couch or something else with a c?  Though why you’d buy me any kind of grass is still a mystery.

Me;        It has a picture of a cat on the thing.

Me:        Why would you buy me cat grass?

Mum:    It’s a present.

Me:        Why do I find that hard to believe?

Mum:    Because you’re nasty.

Me:        Do you know what cat grass is?

Mum:    Well, they sell it at Bunnings.  But I don’t know what it does or anything.

Me:        Okay, you keep it for me and do whatever you need to do till I can get it.

Mum:    You can get it whenever.

Me:        Does it have to be watered?

Mum:    It will have to be.

Me:        Like in some future state?

Mum:    Yes.

Me:        What exactly did you buy me?

Mum:    Nothing ever again, you’re so ungrateful.  It was just a little present.

Me:        Sorry.  But you hate the cats.

Mum:    I don’t like them at all.

Me:        So you bought me cat grass.  That you’ve never heard of and had to go looking for.

Mum:    See what a great mother I am.

Me:        Is it in a pot of something?

Mum:    Not yet.

Me:        Not yet?  It’s grass, yes?

Mum:    Not exactly grass.

Me:        What then?

Mum:    Seeds.

Me:        You bought me cat grass seeds.

Mum:    You don’t need to say it like it’s the most unusual thing in the world.

Me:        Except it is.

Mum:    Look it’s just a packet of seeds.

Me:        You just called me ungrateful for something worth about five bucks that I have to plant and hope grows.

Mum:    You are ungrateful, it’s not the money, it’s the effort.

Me:        Yes, okay, it was nice of you to think about buying me cat grass seeds that I’ve probably got no hope of getting to grow.  Thank you.

Mum:    Oh, it doesn’t matter if they don’t grow.  I only got them by accident.

Me:        By accident.

Mum:    They must’ve been in the wrong place on the shelf.

Me:        Wait, what?  You just phoned to tell me you came around specially because you’d bought me a present and you were annoyed I wasn’t home, and you said it was grass when it’s five bucks worth of seeds, and you called me ungrateful because you bought something by accident that you were going to palm off on me as a thoughtful gift.

Mum:    Don’t be like that.

Me:        Okay, okay.

Mum:    Save it for when you get your Christmas present.

Me:        I’m scared to think what that will be.

Mum:    You already know.

Me:        The sheet set.

Mum:    Don’t be silly.  I ordered you a whole case of cat grass.  Merry Christmas.

The thing is—she probably did.

Not even five bucks worth