Ainslie Paton romance author

Mum v The Internet. Episode – I Dunno I’ve Lost Count

Mum:    Why is the internet only one page?

Me:        Can you ask the question again but with different words?

Mum:    Never mind my computer is broken again.

Me:        Does it turn on?

Mum:    No point really.

Me:        I need to start at the beginning to understand what the problem is.

Mum:    I can tell you what the problem is. Someone made a decision to make all the internet just one page.

Me:        All the internet.

Mum:    All the ones I use.

Me:        All the pages of websites you use are on the one page?

Mum:    No.

Me:        All the pages of websites you use are not on one page.

Mum:    No.

Me:        More information please.

Mum:    They’re all on one page.

Me:        Imagine my face right now.

Mum:    Why?

Me:        Never mind.  What happens when you open the internet?

Mum:    I press the world symbol and I go to Ezibuy, no wait, that one is okay. But most of them it’s just one page.

Me:        When you say one page, do you mean it fills up the whole screen?

Mum:    Yes, who made that happen?

Me:        It’s a widescreen design.

Mum:    Well, it’s stupid.  What’s the point of it?  Can I turn it off?

Me:        Er, no.  Why don’t you like it?

Mum:    I can’t go anywhere.

Me:        You can’t go anywhere. Um.

Mum :   I used to go to the arrow on the side and then they’d be other stuff underneath.

Me:        Oh. Okay. I get it. Click your mouse on the screen—

Mum:    That’s the problem there is nowhere.

Me:        Anywhere on the screen.

Mum:    Just like anywhere.  Why would I do that?

Me:        Because you love me.

Mum:    Not that much.

Me:        Have you done it.

Mum:    Yes.

Me:        Now use the scroll on your mouse.

Mum:    Nothing happens.

Me:        You’re clicking, aren’t you?

Mum:    Oh, the rolly thing. You want me to move the rolly.

Me:        Yep, move the rolly.

Mum:    Well, Look at that.

Me:        What’s happening?

Mum:    There’s all the rest of it, all underneath there. Who is the person who made that happen?  Did I miss the announcement or something? What a stupid thing to do. What was wrong with the way it was before? There should be a way to turn that off. How did you even know what to do?

Me:        I, ah. I spend more time on the computer than you do.

Mum:    Did you get an announcement?

Me:        There was no announcement.

Mum:    There must’ve been, because how would you know?  Was there an ad in the paper?

Me:        No, it doesn’t really work like that.

Mum     It should.  How did you know what to do?

Me:        I’m just smart like that.

Mum:    No, you only think you are.

Me:        Nothing like flattery.

Mum:    And it’s not just for Australia either.

Me:        It’s like a disease, it’s everywhere.

Mum:    It wasn’t even broken the other way. People just won’t leave things alone will they.

Me:        No, dammit, they keep improving things.  They should stop.  We should go back to having manual typewriters and exercise books.

Mum:    I was going to ask you if you wanted to come around for dinner but I’ve improved it by not inviting you now.

Me:        Mean.

Mum:    You can stay home and play with your rolly and be hungry instead.

Me:        I don’t remember you being this mean when I was younger.

Mum:    I was. You weren’t very bright.

Me:        Really mean.

Mum:    I’ve been storing it up for a long time and it just comes out now. Deal with it.

Me:        I’ll remember that for the next time you’ve broken the internet.

Mum:    You might but then I’ll guilt you into helping me anyway.

Me:        I can’t win.

Mum:    Smartest thing you’ve said yet.

5 Responses to “Mum v The Internet. Episode – I Dunno I’ve Lost Count

  • Always as funny….(Suzanne)

  • Lol…love it!!

  • Have you considered writing a series with your mum as the matriarch?

    • Ainslie
      7 years ago

      Ah no! I have written a few fierce mothers. Fetch’s mother in Floored, who throws things at him and I’ve just written a crime family matriarch, who beta readers have enjoyed. She’s a reformed psychic. At some point I will package up the Mum Missives book form – but I do worry it might be too much Mum in one volume

    • Ainslie
      7 years ago

      I have not, Laura. Not sure her whole self would adapt to fiction.

Hello, what are you thinking?

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