Mum v The Internet. Episode – I Dunno I’ve Lost Count
Mum: Why is the internet only one page?
Me: Can you ask the question again but with different words?
Mum: Never mind my computer is broken again.
Me: Does it turn on?
Mum: No point really.
Me: I need to start at the beginning to understand what the problem is.
Mum: I can tell you what the problem is. Someone made a decision to make all the internet just one page.
Me: All the internet.
Mum: All the ones I use.
Me: All the pages of websites you use are on the one page?
Me: All the pages of websites you use are not on one page.
Me: More information please.
Mum: They’re all on one page.
Me: Imagine my face right now.
Me: Never mind. What happens when you open the internet?
Mum: I press the world symbol and I go to Ezibuy, no wait, that one is okay. But most of them it’s just one page.
Me: When you say one page, do you mean it fills up the whole screen?
Mum: Yes, who made that happen?
Me: It’s a widescreen design.
Mum: Well, it’s stupid. What’s the point of it? Can I turn it off?
Me: Er, no. Why don’t you like it?
Mum: I can’t go anywhere.
Me: You can’t go anywhere. Um.
Mum : I used to go to the arrow on the side and then they’d be other stuff underneath.
Me: Oh. Okay. I get it. Click your mouse on the screen—
Mum: That’s the problem there is nowhere.
Me: Anywhere on the screen.
Mum: Just like anywhere. Why would I do that?
Me: Because you love me.
Mum: Not that much.
Me: Have you done it.
Me: Now use the scroll on your mouse.
Mum: Nothing happens.
Me: You’re clicking, aren’t you?
Mum: Oh, the rolly thing. You want me to move the rolly.
Me: Yep, move the rolly.
Mum: Well, Look at that.
Me: What’s happening?
Mum: There’s all the rest of it, all underneath there. Who is the person who made that happen? Did I miss the announcement or something? What a stupid thing to do. What was wrong with the way it was before? There should be a way to turn that off. How did you even know what to do?
Me: I, ah. I spend more time on the computer than you do.
Mum: Did you get an announcement?
Me: There was no announcement.
Mum: There must’ve been, because how would you know? Was there an ad in the paper?
Me: No, it doesn’t really work like that.
Mum It should. How did you know what to do?
Me: I’m just smart like that.
Mum: No, you only think you are.
Me: Nothing like flattery.
Mum: And it’s not just for Australia either.
Me: It’s like a disease, it’s everywhere.
Mum: It wasn’t even broken the other way. People just won’t leave things alone will they.
Me: No, dammit, they keep improving things. They should stop. We should go back to having manual typewriters and exercise books.
Mum: I was going to ask you if you wanted to come around for dinner but I’ve improved it by not inviting you now.
Mum: You can stay home and play with your rolly and be hungry instead.
Me: I don’t remember you being this mean when I was younger.
Mum: I was. You weren’t very bright.
Me: Really mean.
Mum: I’ve been storing it up for a long time and it just comes out now. Deal with it.
Me: I’ll remember that for the next time you’ve broken the internet.
Mum: You might but then I’ll guilt you into helping me anyway.
Me: I can’t win.
Mum: Smartest thing you’ve said yet.