An actual conversation with my Mum about a potential holiday
Deep background: Last year we went on a family holiday for a week in January to lovely beachside Gerroa. It was the holiday from hell. On the morning of day one my mum and brother fought over bacon and pan clattering. She had too much of both. He didn’t appreciate it. He sucks.
On the afternoon of day one I asked Dad if he wanted to go home. He said yes. We were both too cowered to act brave and leave. There were six more days. For the rest of the week one part of the family didn’t speak to the other part. There was no more pan clattering or even shared meals. There were fleas in my bedroom, the bathroom flooded every time someone took a shower and because I won at poker and scrabble I was obviously a cheat.
We swore never to do it again.
Me: Would you like me to take you and Dad away for a week in January? It might be possible to get Ramon’s flat at Boomerang Beach if it’s not already taken.
Mum: That would be lovely. After last year I didn’t think your father and I would ever get another holiday again.
Me: Well let’s see if it’s available first. Don’t get too excited.
Mum: What’s it like?
Me: I’ve only heard him talk about it, but it’s a two bedroom flat, one Queen bed and two singles, ground floor with a courtyard. It’s fairly new built, but small, nothing like the house at Gerroa.
Mum: That sounds lovely. Just us.
Me: Just us.
Mum: There won’t be any fighting.
Me: Only when you want to kill Dad.
Mum: That only happens once or twice a day.
Me: Remind me why I thought it was a nice idea to take you both away somewhere.
Mum: You love me.
Some time passes. We’re watching my nephew play basketball.
Mum: So the kids could come to the holiday house.
Me: Ah – yes. It’s 3.5 hours drive, so it’s a bit far to come for a day trip.
Mum: But they could stay over.
Me: Yes, I guess if we take a blow-up bed and I share a room somehow.
Mum: And it we got two blow-up beds Brad and Belinda (brother and sister-in-law) could come too.
Me: (Stunned silence).
Mum: That would work out.
Me: It’s a small flat, only two bedrooms. It sleeps four not eight.
Mum: But with blow-up beds.
Me: It would be quite crowded.
Mum: (Silence. She is plotting). But we could do it.
Me: So when you said you would never go on holidays with the whole family again and I felt sorry for you and thought you might like a week away without the rest of them, what was that about?
Mum: We can’t leave them out.
Me: Why am I so dumb?
Mum: Don’t be like that.
Me: I can’t take Ramon’s sleeps four flat and force eight people into it.
Mum: Would you have to tell him?
Me: Yes, I would.
Mum: Yes, that’s right you would.
Me: I don’t want to go on holidays with the rest of the family. I was miserable last year. And there were fleas.
Mum: Ramon’s place wouldn’t have fleas.
Me: It might if everyone hired it for four people and took eight.
Mum: Don’t get cranky.
Me: So what you really want is a holiday with the whole family again?
Mum: (Pretends to consider. I can see her pretending!). It would probably be better.
Me: Than what exactly? I wasn’t allowed to play poker a second time because I won so I must’ve been cheating. At Texas Hold ‘em. I don’t even like that game. I like old fashioned five card. And I don’t even know how you could cheat, and I’m sorry but scrabble. I just know more words.
Mum: Don’t be a little kid.
Me: (Deep breathing).
This issue is so far unresolved. But I’m currently stalking the web for alternate bedding configurations. Sorry Ramon. Grrrr!