Sucker! A Conversation with my Cats
Me: Oh, you like that new food.
Cat: It’s okay. I mean it’s not what I got yesterday.
Other Cat: I don’t like it. I’m just going to look at it from the next room.
Me: Look, don’t worry if you don’t like it. It was an experiment.
Cat: I’m eating it, what more do you want.
Other Cat: I might eat it when you’re not looking. Stop looking at me.
A little while later
Cat: More. More of that. More. More now.
Other Cat: I’m not going to be greedy but what he said.
Cat: I’m going to keep annoying you until you give me more.
Other Cat: I’ll just watch this unfold from a distance, but I do expect action.
Cats: This is the absolute bestest food there ever is in the whole wide world.
Cat: I will purr all over you if you give me more. You are the most wonderful slave. It’s true. Best I’ve had, and I don’t say that lightly, because, you know, I might have a fur ball and it’s hard to get the words out over it. About that fur ball, as a special favour to you I’ll gak it up in the garden instead of in the bedroom at 3am.
Other Cat: I love you so so much. I really don’t tell you that often enough.
Me: Goes to buy more of the miracle food.
Me: Here’s that new food you both love.
Cat: What’s this disgusting rubbish? Did something die in my bowl? Did you dig that up from the garden? I’m not eating that. Like ever. I don’t care if I starve. I am never eating that vile garbage. I’ll starve. I will. I’ll do it deliberately because that’s what you must want, my abject starvation. I will sit by this bowl and not eat if I have to. I will hunger strike. You’ll have to force feed me if you want me to live. Holy fecal matter stuck in my fur, I feel faint. Someone call animal protection.
Other Cat: Oh, I’m so disappointed in you. You were doing so well there for a while. Never mind. I don’t need to eat every night. I’m sure I’ll be just fine if you just go back to feeding us the food we actually like. I’ll just go lay under the bed so I don’t have to look at you and we’ll both feel better.
Me: Every time. Every time.