A Conversation with Mum about her Homepage

Mum:    I want you to look at my computer

Me:        Inwardly I quake.

Mum:    Something happened to all the things

Me:        The things

Mum:    You know the buttons

Me:        On your keyboard?

Mum:    No not that, on the computer.

Me:        I look at the computer – there is a sticky note on it which says PLEASE FIX COMP PUTER.  My near distress is audible.

Mum:    Don’t be like that.  I fixed Loretta’s Kindle.

Me:        Oh my God.  When you say fixed it , is it still working?

Mum:    Of course it is.  I know how to fix Kindles.

Me:        OMG

Mum:    There’s no internet.

Me:        What, you can’t get the internet?

Mum:    I can’t find it to get it.

Me:        Okay.  I don’t know what that means.  Are you getting emails?

Mum:    Yes.

Me:        So what’s different?

Mum:    All the buttons have gone all like this.  She makes a sweeping gesture to the right.

Me:        I log on and look at the screen.  She has three different vertical task bars and everything is jammed into the right hand side of the screen.  What did you do?

Mum:    Nothing

Me:        Mum?

Mum:    Nothing it just went like that.  Sweeping gesture.

Me:        It can’t just go like that by itself.

Mum:    Well, I didn’t do it, but it did happen after that email you sent me about the silk pillowslips.

Me:        Which means you think this is somehow my fault.

Mum:    Well, no.

Me:        What did you do?

Mum:    Nothing.  I only cleaned the mouse.

Me:        Hmm

Mum:    I’ll show you.  She picks up the mouse and wipes the bottom of it by rubbing it vigorously against her t-shirt.  The screen goes nuts.

Me:        That is not nothing.

Mum:    I see what you mean.

Me:        I put it all back the way I remember it being.

Mum:    It didn’t look like that

Me:        What did it look like?

Mum:    There was a polar bear.

Me:        As your screen saver

Mum:    Sometimes it was a forest or you know, nice, different pictures.

Me:        Okay.  I give her back her rotating pictures.

Mum:    Where is E?

Me:        What is E?

Mum:    That’s what I said.

Me:        No, you said where is E.  What do you use E for?

Mum:    Oh maybe it’s I then?

Me:        What do you use I for?

Mum:    To go to the internet.

Me:        All right, you have chrome here.

Mum:    What is that, some jewellery shop thing?

Me:        Um, no.  That’s the internet too.

Mum:    But it’s not I or E or whatever.

Me:        No it’s not, but you can use it the same.

Mum:    But do I have to look at jewellery first?  That’s not a bad thing.

Me:        No, it has nothing to do with jewellery. I’ll get rid of it.

Mum:    No don’t.  It must be there for a reason.

Me:        Did you put it there?

Mum:    How could I put it there?

Me:        Good point.  It’s gone now and here is E or I or whatever you want to call it.

Mum:    Well it all looks right now except for the polar bear.

Me:        He’ll come back on rotation.

Mum:    Are you sure?

Me:        Not exactly, but I’m guessing.

Mum:    Big sigh.  I guess if they’re going to be extinct they can start on my computer.