A Discussion with Mum about – well it was hard to tell

She phones:

Mum:    I’m sorry to bother you but I’m in 12 and I can’t get out.

Me:        Did you say 12?

Mum:    Yes, I’m in 12.  How do I get out?

Me:        Where are you?  (I can’t even imagine.  Is 12 a place?  Why the hell can’t she get out?) Where’s Dad?

Mum:    Oh he wouldn’t know anything.

Me:        Where is he?

Mum:    Inside somewhere.

Me:        Inside 12 with you?

Mum:    No, he’s probably watching TV.

Me:        Where are you?

Mum      In 12.

Me:        How did you get in there?

Mum:    I hit it.

Me:        Hit it?

Mum:    I didn’t really hit it.

Me:        Where are you?

Mum:    In 12 on the top row.

Me:        (Silent.  I truly have no idea where she is)

Mum:    F12

Me:        Are you talking about your computer?

Mum:    Yes.  It won’t turn on.

Me:        (Exhale.  I don’t have to simultaneously dial rescue services and tell them my mother is trapped in 12 but I don’t know where that is and I possibly need a hostage negotiator to get that information out of her). Okay, that’s progress.

Mum:    Well not really.  It won’t turn on. That’s why I called.

Me:        Have you tried turning it on?

Mum:    Yes.  It won’t do anything.

Me:        Um so what happened when you hit F12?

Mum:    I’m stuck.

Me:        Stuck with it not turning on.

Mum:    Yes.

Me:        So why did you hit F12 and not any other key?

Mum:    That’s how I see the world.

Me:        You don’t mean your outlook on life do you?

Mum:    What are you talking about?

Me:        Let’s start again.  You’re computer won’t turn on.

Mum:    Right

Me:        It’s plugged in.

Mum:    Of course it’s plugged in.  I wouldn’t be able to see the world.

Me:        So you can see the world?

Mum:    I just said that.

Me:        Sorry, but your computer won’t turn on.

Mum:    Yes.

Me:        So why did you hit F12?

Mum:    You see the world that way.

Me:        You lost me on the world.

Mum:    I lost you when you answered the phone.

Me:        Very funny.

Mum:    You know the world and the other things on the list above it.

Me:        On the list?

Mum:    On top of the world.

Me:        (It dawns.  She means the start button) Hang on – the computer is off – the screen is black?

Mum:    No.

Me:        So the computer is on?

Mum:    Well no, it won’t do anything.

Me:        So wait.  You turned it on and the screen lit up.

Mum:    Yes.

Me:        (Could I have the hostage negotiator please because now I’m stuck in some numerical place and I can’t find my way out).  And then what?

Mum:    There’s an arrow.

Me:        An arrow.

Mum:    You know the arrow?  It won’t move.

Me:        Do you mean the cursor?

Mum:    The arrow on the screen.  I can see it but it won’t move.

Me:        You tried moving it with your mouse?

Mum:    Can a mouse die?

Me:        Does yours have a cord or batteries – batteries yes?

Mum:    I don’t think so.

Me:        Does it have a cord?

Mum:    No.

Me:        Then it has batteries.

Mum:    Well I’ve never put batteries in it.

Me:        That’d be why it’s not working.

Mum:    Oh.  So I should put batteries in it.

Me:        Yeah.  Probably two AAs or AAAs.

Mum:    How do I do that?

Me:        It opens up underneath.

Mum:    I still need to know how to get out?

Me:        Out?

Mum:    Of 12.

Me:        Right 12.  Try using your arrow keys.

Mum:    The arrow won’t move.  And I don’t know if I have spare batteries.

Me:        That arrow is somewhere in the middle of the screen right.

Mum:    Yes – stuck.

Me:        That’s the cursor.  Look at your keyboard and you’ll see you have four keys with little arrows.

Mum:    My keyboard. (Said oh so vaguely).

Me:        (Laughing) Yes, the thing with the letters on it.

Mum:    (Laughing) Oh that.  Yes of course.

Me:        So try using your arrow key to scroll down the list to the start button.

Mum:    The what?

Me:        The start button.

Mum:    Oh where the world is.

Me:        If you say so.

Mum:    Yes, I can do that.

Me:        Good.

Mum:    Don’t go.  Also my Kindle is mucking up.

Me:        I’m afraid your time is up.  You’ll need to phone back when our tech support personnel are all busy.

Mum:    Don’t be smart.

Me:        How is it mucking up?

Mum:    It won’t turn on.

Me:        I know what the problem is.

Mu:        Oh good.

Me:        F12.

Mum:    Is there an F12 on the Kindle?  I didn’t know that.

Me:        No, no, no.  I was joking.  What’s happening?

Mum:    It won’t turn on all the time.  Sometimes it will, sometimes it won’t.

Me:        (Sigh.  We’ve had this particular discussion a lot).  Is it really off?  Blank.  No picture at all.

Mum:    No Jane Austen and all her friends show up.

Me:        Okay, so it’s turned on.

Mum:    But I can’t always get words, so it’s not really on.

Me:        What do you do?

Mum:    You know the slidey thing.  Well that.  Sometimes I hold it.  I tap it, flick it, bump it, you know, anything.

Me:        Probably not.  If you hold it, the Kindle will turn off.

Mum:    It goes on off on off on off, on off.

Me:        How does it go?

Mum:    On off, on off, on off.  Did you just make me say that again?

Me:        (Laughing)

Mum:    It flickers. Jane and not Jane, Jane and not Jane.  I’m not saying that again.

Me:        It’s very unhappy.

Mum:    So why is that?

Me:        I could say because you treat it a bit hard.

Mum:    I don’t.

Me:        Which is why I won’t say that.

Mum:    Well, what then?

Me:        I have no idea.

Mum:    It’s a bit loose.

Me:        Hmmm.

Mum:    You don’t have any clue do you?

Me:        I do.  But – no, not really.

Mum:    Alright then, I’ll just bother you another time about this.

Me:        I’ll look forward to it.

Mum:    Yes, hopefully it will be in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep and I’ll wake you up.

Me:        Why would you want to do that?

Mum:    Teach you to be mean to your mother.

Me:        I see your world now and I raise you an F12.

Mum:    How did I get a kid so smart she can’t do anything simple?