Mother Love

And almost exact transcript of a phone call with my Mum

Mum:    I’ve got a big problem.

Me:        What?

Mum:     My Kindle has done something?

Me:        What’s it done?  Like made a cup of tea?  That would be good.

Mum:    (Laughing).  No all the dots have gone to only about two?

Me:        What?

Mum:    You know the dots?

Me:        Yeah. (She means the dot that indicate a story length)

Mum:    Well they’ve all gone.  And some of them went right underneath people’s names.  They were really big books and they’ve all gone.

Me:        So, um?

Mum:     Should I turn it on?

Me:        You mean it’s not on.  How can you tell about the dots?

Mum:     Well, I saw them.

Me:        But it’s not on?

Mum:    Well, it is on.

Me:       You just said it wasn’t on.

Mum:    Well, I didn’t mean that.

Me:       Well, what did you mean?  It’s either on or off.

Mum:    Well, there are only two bars?

Me:       Oh you mean the wireless?

Mum:    No, I mean the bars.  It must need charging.

Me:       The battery symbol is that symbol that looks like a battery.

Mum:    Oh is it?  Oh well, that’s ok then.

Me:       So, what’s the problem again?

Mum:    All the dots have gone.  When you open a book you just get the cover and then no dots.

Me:        No dots.

Mum:    That’s why I called you.

Me:        I don’t know why more people on IT help desks don’t go round the twist.

Mum:    They’re probably not rude to their mothers.

Me:        I bet they are.

Mum:     Can you fix the dots or not?

Me:       Turn it off.

Mum:    What do I turn off?

Me:       The Kindle.

Mum:    How do I do that again?

Me:      The slidy button – hold that.

Mum:   Ok I’ve done that.

Me:       So it’s off?

Mum:    It’s like when I go shopping.

Me:       Sorry?

Mum:    It looks like when you go to the shop to buy a book.

Me:       So it’s not off?

Mum:    Yes, I think so.  There are no bars and only a thing that says 3G.

Me:        It’s not off.

Mum:    You told me to turn it off.

Me:        Yes I did.

Mum:    (Laughing) Don’t be like that.

Me:       This is the easy bit.

Mum:    So, what do I do again?

Me:       Turn it off.  Right off.

Mum:    What, all of it?

Me:        Mum!

Mum:    Ok, it’s off.  It’s totally blank now.  Do you think the wireless is off?

Me:        God I hope so.

Mum:    (Laughing) What do I do now?

Me:        Go and have dinner.

Mum:    Is that some magic thing?

Me:        No, it’s dinner time.

Mum:    (Laughing) Don’t be smart.

Me:        Then come back and turn it on.

Mum:     So, I’ll charge it.

Me:        If you like.  If it needs it.

Mum:    Well, I only charged it yesterday.

Me:       So, it should be fine.

Mum:    But there’s only two bars.

Me:       That’s the wireless not the battery.

Mum:    Right.

Me:       You don’t get this at all do you?

Mum:    Yes I do.

Me:        So, what are you going to do?

Mum:     Charge it.

Me:        No – that’s not going to fix it.

Mum:    There’s this thing that says the service isn’t available.

Me:        Where are you reading that?

Mum:     On it.

Me:        So, it’s not off?

Mum:     No.  I turned it on.

Me:        All around the world IT help desk people are laughing their faces off at me.

Mum:     Don’t be like that with your mother.

Me:        Tell me what else you can see?

Mum:     Nothing – a totally blank screen.

Me:        A totally blank screen – nothing on it?

Mum:     No.

Me:        Did you turn it off again?

Mum:    Yes.  You said to.

Me:        I was doing something else you know.

Mum:     What do I do now?

Me:        How about what I ask you to do and nothing else?

Mum:     Ok.  So, what’s that again?

Me:        Turn it completely off.

Mum:    I’ve done that.

Me:       You have not.

Mum     (Laughing) Ok, I’ve done it now.

Me:        Go eat and come back in half an hour.

Mum:    So, I’ll charge it then.

Me:        (Silence)

Mum:     Ok, I won’t charge it.

Me:        Come back and turn it on again.

Mum:     What’s that going to do?

Me:        Everywhere, call centre people crying with laughter.  Then turn the wireless on.

Mum:    How do I do that?

Me:       How do you buy books?

Mum:    I go to the shop.

Me:       On the Kindle.

Mum:    Yes.

Me:       So do that then.

Mum:   Go to the shop?  You know I’m good at this.  I had to show Willie.  She could only do it on the computer.

Me:       Heaven help Willie.

Mum:    Don’t be like that.

Me:       So, tell me what you’re going to do?

Mum:    I just want the dots back.

Me:       So do I.

Mum:    (Laughing) So, I come back and what do I do?

Me:       Turn it back on.

Mum:    What everything?

Me:        Everything you can think of.  Then leave it all turned on – the wireless – for about an hour, ok

Mum:    How do I know if I’ve done that?

Me:       The 3G and the bars.

Mum:    No, that’s the battery.

Me:        No, its not.  The battery is the battery.

Mum:    (Laughing).  Right.  What do I do then?  Charge it?

Me:        (Laughing)

Mum:    You don’t think I should charge it to get more bars back?

Me:        Have you listened to anything I said?

Mum:    You don’t think I should charge it.

Me:        If the battery symbol is full you don’t need to.

Mum:    I can’t tell because it’s off.

Me:        Well, what do you know?

Mum:     What am I supposed to do then?

Me:        Oh God, where are we up to?

Mum:     It’s off.  I can charge it overnight

Me:        You can.  Leave it for a bit.  Come back and turn it on.  The Kindle and the wireless which is the 3G and the bars, like when you go shopping.

Mum:    Then what?

Me:        Leave it all turned on for a while.  I think it needs to update itself.

Mum:     Will that fix it?

Me:        I hope so, because it wouldn’t be fair for you to torture someone at Amazon about this.

Mum:    Oh.

Me:        Oh what?

Mum:    The dots are back.

Me:        Did you do anything I asked you to do?

Mum:     Not really.

Me:        Well, this has been good then.

Mum:     I’ll go now.  You can go back to whatever you were doing.