Mum Constructs a Lie

An actual verbatim conversation with my Mum about a bunch of people I don’t know and why I have to pretend it’s my birthday

This is a phone call.

Me:        Ainslie Paton

Mum:    Oh you’re working.

Me:        It’s a work day.

Mum:    Well I didn’t know.

Me:        It’s Wednesday.  Like in the middle of the work week.

Mum:    All right then.  So Lynelle is coming to stay.  And I need you to tell a small lie.

Me:        Who is Lynelle?

Mum:    Merv’s daughter.

Me:        (I don’t ask who Merv is – because I’m working and this could take a long time).  Ok.

Mum:    Sage has to go to a wedding and Ena, she’s the little one, and Nola she’s the judo champ, they’ll all be here for a week.

Me:        (I’ve never heard of any of these people and now they’re staying with my parents for a week).  Who?

Mum:    They’re Janet’s daughters.

Me:        Who is Janet?

Mum:    Merv’s daughter.

Me:        (Because I’m stupid).  Lynelle’s sister.

Mum:    No, they’re the same person.

Me:        Lynelle and Janet are the same person.

Mum:    Did I call Janet, Lynelle earlier?

Me:        You said Lynelle and bunch of other people who are her daughters are staying with you for a week.

Mum:    For the wedding.

Me:        (I do not ask whose wedding this is.  I do not care.)

Mum:    You know, the wedding.

Me:        (She can’t see me headbutt the desk).  No.

Mum:    You never listen.  The one we were invited to in Kempsey.

Me:        (Absolutely no wiser).  Right.

Mum:    So it’s your birthday.

Me:        It was, two months ago.

Mum:    No on the same day as the wedding.

Me:        In Kempsey.

Mum:    Yes, how many weddings do you think there are?

Me:        I’m scared to think about it.

Mum:    We don’t want to go.  I mean really we hardly know them.  They were just being polite because of family.

Me:        Unlike us.

Mum:    What?

Me:        Moving on.

Mum:    So if you happen to visit when Lynette is here.

Me:        Lynette?

Mum:    Oh Janet whatever her name is.

Me:        How can you have someone staying for a week whose name you don’t know?

Mum:    I know her name.  It’s Lynette.

Me:        (Laughing) You said it was Janet.

Mum:    (Laughing) It doesn’t matter what her name is.

Me:        It will when you call her the wrong name.

Mum:    I’ll mumble.

Me:        Because the names Janet and Lynette sound so much alike.  How did you ever remember the daughter’s names?  They were like fancy.

Mum:    Stop picking on me.

Me:        So, what am I supposed to do?

Mum:    Actually just don’t come that week.

Me:        That sounds like the easiest thing.

Mum:    Because you might forget to lie.

Me:        I might.  Dad always said I wasn’t smart enough to lie.

Mum:    But if I call you and I say happy birthday don’t think I’ve gone off my rocker.

Me:        (Path of least resistance). Ok.  (Light bulb).  Oh you’ve told them you can’t go to the wedding because it’s my birthday.

Mum:    Yes.

Me:        Liar, liar pants on fire.

Mum:    Shut up.

Me:        Won’t it be odd if it’s my birthday but I don’t come around.

Mum:    They’ll be in Kempsey.

Me:        At the wedding.

Mum:    (Exasperated) Yes.

Me:        Couldn’t you just tell the truth.  That it’s a long drive and you’ve already been up there once this year.  Do you really care if they don’t understand?

Mum:    Of course I care.

Me:        You can’t remember if she’s Lynelle, Lynette or Janet.

Mum:    I know what she looks like.

Me:        That’s helpful.  Otherwise a total stranger might come and expect to stay for the week.

Mum:    I’m sorry I thought of this.

Me:        That makes two of us.

Mum:    So if you can’t lie for me, don’t come around.

Me:        Excellent idea.  And you won’t need to phone me and say happy birthday when it’s not.

Mum:    Yes I will.

Me:        Won’t they be in Kempsey?

Mum:    What kind of a mother would I be if I didn’t ring you and arrange something for your birthday in advance?

Me:        One that makes that kind of phone call when they’re not listening.

Mum:    That’s true.  I could just tell them I talked to you.

Me:        Because that won’t make it any less confusing.

Mum:    Stop being sarcastic.  You’re just like your father.  He’s confused too.

Me:        So I don’t have to do anything except not visit.

Mum:    That’s right.  Funny, you’d probably like Janelle.

Me:        (So laughing).