A Conversation with Mum about her Kindle – and Conspiracy Theories

I’ve been avoiding this one.  I am a bad daughter.

Mum:    I don’t like this new Kindle.

Me:        (With great trepidation and a lot of avoidance) Oh (said very vaguely)

Mum:    Are you listening to me?

Me:        Unfortunately.

Mum:    It’s not as good as the old one.

Me:        Why not?

Mum:    Well.  The main problem is this cloud thing.

Me:        I thought so.

Mum:     Also there’s the thumb thing, but you can’t do anything about that.

Me:        Good.  I think.

Mum:     Every book I’ve ever bought from Amazon is on there.

Me:        Yes, that’s the point.

Mum:    Well, it’s not very helpful.

Me:        It would be less helpful if you didn’t have all your books.

Mum:    But I can’t remember if I’ve read them or not.

Me:        But that’s the same as when your books were on a shelf.  You had to pick them up and flick to a page to remember.

Mum:    No it’s not.

Me:        Yes it is, you used to complain you sometimes bought the same book twice.

Mum:    Well, yes I did do that.

Me:        So what’s the problem?

Mum:    Amazon doesn’t tell me if I’ve read a book in the cloud.

Me:        Amazon doesn’t know if you’ve read it—they only know you bought it.

Mum:    That’s not true.

Me:        Yes it is.

Mum:    Oh no it’s not.  Amazon knows everything I do.

Me:        No they don’t.  They wish they did, but once a book is on your Kindle they don’t know if you’ve read it or made soup with it.

Mum:    I’ve never made soup in my life.

Me:        I know.

Mum:    So you’re telling me Amazon doesn’t know what page I’m up to in the Patterson book?

Me:        (I don’t get an answer out quick enough)

Mum:    You’re wrong.  They know. That’s why I’m mad.

Me:        If the Patterson book is on your device then the device knows where you’re up to, but if it’s in the cloud then no.

Mum:    Well, what kind of stupidity is that then?  That’s just bloody minded.  I might write to them about that.

Me:        Um.  Please don’t write to them.

Mum:    And another thing.  I can’t delete anything off this stupid thing.

Me:        What do you want to delete?

Mum:    When I’ve read something I might as well delete it.

Me:        Yes, okay.  I’ll show you how.

Mum:    I know how, but it doesn’t work.

Me:        What do you mean?

Mum:    Watch.  (She deletes some title with the word Moon in it).

Me:        That’s right.

Mum:    It’s not.  Look.  (She shows me the title in the Cloud).  It’s still here.

Me:        (Sigh.)  Yes, because it’s in the cloud.

Mum:    This is just stupid.

Me:        Think about it like this.  You have books you’re going to read on your bedside table.

Mum:    In the old days, yes.

Me:        Yes, in the old days, you big geek.  And you have books on a shelf that you’ve already read.

Mum:    I might have books on the shelf I haven’t read.

Me:        You might, but just go with me here.  When you’ve finished a book from the bedside table you put it on the shelf.  That’s like deleting it from the device and but it staying in the cloud.

Mum:    No it’s not.

Me:        Yes it is

Mum:    Then I should be able to take the whole lot to St Vinnies.

Me:        Well you can’t do that.

Mum:    If I had books on a shelf I’d know if I’d read them.

Me:        Most of the time, right.  So you should know if you’ve read books in the cloud.

Mum:    But I don’t.

Me:        Well whose fault is that?

Mum:    Amazon’s.  And another thing.

Me:        Fancy that

Mum:    I have to charge it up all the time.

Me:        Battery life should be longer than your old one.

Mum:    It’s not.

Me:        Is your wireless on?

Mum:    No.

Me:        I need to see it, because you don’t understand the wireless.

Mum:    Yes I do now, you explained it.

Me:        (Picks up Kindle)  Your wireless is on.

Mum:    No it’s not.

Me:        Yes it is.  See here it says 3G and shows the bars—it’s on.

Mum:    But airplane mode is off.

Me:        Yes, so wireless is on.

Mum:    That makes no sense.  Can’t they tell I’m not in an airplane anyway?

Me:        No Mum they can’t and that would be terrible if they could.

Mum:    I bet they can tell.

Me:        They shot Kennedy too.

Mum:    (Looks at me in horror) You’re not one of those silly conspiracy people are you?

Me:        No, but you are.

Mum:    I am not.

Me:        Amazon cannot tell if you are in an airplane or not.

Mum:    I bet they get confused about you.

Me:        Why would they get confused about me?

Mum:    You live near the airport, that must confuse them.

Me:        (Jaw flap)

Mum:    Why do they call it airplane mode then?

Me:        Just to annoy you.

Mum:    Well they’ve got that right.

Me:        So we need to turn your wireless off, which on this Kindle is turning airplane mode on.

Mum:    That is ridiculous.

Me:        It’s the way this one works.  You need the little symbol of the plane to show.

Mum:    But that would mean airplane mode is on

Me:        Yes that’s what you want.

Mum:    But the button says off.

Me:        (She’s right the slider is confusing—if you’re Mum)

Mum:    Okay I’ve got it.  When the button says off it’s on and when it says on it’s off

Me:        (I think about this)

Mum:    It’s backwards.  I just have to remember it’s backwards.

Me:        Ah.

Mum:    You know what. for a company that knows I don’t cook soup, Amazon are pretty dumb.